Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
