The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
