as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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