Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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