threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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