I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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