you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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