I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
