Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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