I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
