Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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