After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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