Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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