My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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