It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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