She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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