It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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