Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
