I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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