I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
