i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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