the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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