I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
