I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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