This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
