dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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