True but thats because hes a fetus.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
