the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
