i don't like sucking hair
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
