I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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