What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
