I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
