Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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