I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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