Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
