ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
