so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
