you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
