she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
