I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
