i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
