Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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