there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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