i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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