Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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