I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
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