i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
