Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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