Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he thought i was a dude.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
