When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
