It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
