Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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