At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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