you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
