dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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