i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
