I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
