I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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