Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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