38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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